Copyright © 1990 by Lisa C. Heyden
SCENE ONE
(There is a large staircase center
stage leading up and off stage left.
Various men are running up it and
milling below. A YOUNG WOMAN sporting
many pounds of mountain climbing gear
enters from stage right. She is busy
lugging, checking, and rebuckling. A
man, ALFRED chatting nearby notices
her. All others exit.)
ALFRED
Ah, you there, young woman, where are you headed?
YOUNG WOMAN
Hmmm?
ALFRED
Where are you going?
YOUNG WOMAN
I’m gonna climb this here mountain.
ALFRED
Why in heaven’s name would you want to do that?
YOUNG WOMAN
I want to see what’s on the other side. Lots of noise
over there, wouldn’t you say? Besides, it’s there.
ALFRED
It’s there, it’s there - what kind of reason is that? Let
me tell you, there isn’t much to look at over there.
YOUNG WOMAN
No?
ALFRED
No, not at all. And it’s a big job, climbing this here
mountain. You’ll certainly need quite a bit more gear
than that I should think.
YOUNG WOMAN
You think?
ALFRED
Oh, yes, you never know what’s going to happen halfway up
a mountainside. Avalanches, mudslides, that sort of
thing.
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh!
(A SECOND MAN enters hearing the
conversation.)
SECOND MAN
I say, what’s all this?
ALFRED
I was just explaining to this young lady that if she
intends to climb this here mountain, she’s going to need
quite a bit more gear.
SECOND MAN
Oh, my yes. One must be prepared for the worst, after all
YOUNG WOMAN
(optimistic)
I’ll make it.
ALFRED
Oh, of course dear, we believe you, it’s just that we
don’t want you to go into such an undertaking unprepared.
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh, no.
SECOND MAN
But he’s quite right. I would say you need more
preparation. There’s training for a person such as
yourself.
YOUNG WOMAN
Really?
SECOND MAN
Certainly!
YOUNG WOMAN
Well, how-
SECOND MAN
I really must be going, let me know the turnout, will
you?
(He runs up the staircase and out of
sight. A THIRD MAN enters.)
THIRD MAN
Alfred, my man, what has you standing idle?
ALFRED
Just trying to help out this young lady. She wishes to
climb this here mountain.
(He indicates the staircase. The THIRD
MAN laughs heartily.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Is something funny?
THIRD MAN
(stifling a laugh)
Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.
VOICE OFF
Alfred and Benny, let’s get a move on.
THIRD MAN
Yeah, good luck!
(They scurry up the staircase. The
YOUNG WOMAN is alone on stage. She
buckles, unbuckles, snaps a few snaps,
looks herself over, wondering if she’s
prepared enough. She notices and open
shoelace and attempts to tie it, but
finds reaching her shoe next to
impossible. She finally manages by
sitting herself down on a stair, but
still has difficulty because of the
huge pack on her back. She manages to
tie the shoe and gets up again with
great difficulty. Once standing, she
smooths herself. Then, hesitantly, she
takes a first step onto the first
stair. Finding it somewhat easy she
attempts the next step. As she begins
the third step, a man quite resembling
HARPO MARX dressed in a trenchcoat
jumps out onto the stage and latches
onto her foot. He hangs there. She
tries again to advance, but notices
the tugging on her foot. She tries
again, with the same results. An OLDER
WOMAN enters the scene, sees them thus
and...)
OLDER WOMAN
Hey! You there! Stop holding that man down!
YOUNG WOMAN
Huh?
OLDER WOMAN
You! Can’t you see you’re holding your man down!
YOUNG WOMAN
Man? What man?
OLDER WOMAN
That one there!
(The OLDER WOMAN points accusingly.
The YOUNG WOMAN maneuvers herself for
some time before she is able to see
HARPO hanging on behind all of her
gear.)
YOUNG WOMAN
I don’t know this man.
OLDER WOMAN
Regardless, let him go.
YOUNG WOMAN
Huh? But he’s holding on to me!
OLDER WOMAN
That’s just what I said! Let him go, stop holding your
man down!
YOUNG WOMAN
Look here! He’s holding on to me! He’s holding ME down!
OLDER WOMAN
Nonsense! Let him go this instant, young lady. Young
women these days...
YOUNG WOMAN
But...
(She descends a few steps. HARPO
becomes unattached and runs offstage
momentarily. He then runs back and
scoots past her up the stairs. She
looks after him, annoyed.)
OLDER WOMAN
Now let that be a lesson to you.
(The Old Woman exits. The YOUNG WOMAN
settles on the bottom step to rest.
She holds her head as if she has a
headache. A FOURTH MAN enters and sees
her thus settled.)
FOURTH MAN
Oh, my dear, what has you looking so unhappy?
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh.
FOURTH MAN
What bothers you, eh?
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh! All I want to do is climb this here mountain, but,
alas, I haven’t the strength.
FOURTH MAN
Nonsense! Mountain climbing. A tough field indeed, but my
dear, it isn’t strength you’re lacking!
YOUNG WOMAN
No?
FOURTH MAN
No, my dear. It’s skill of course. Why, with the right
skills you can do just about anything. The trick is to
know which skills you need and to go out and get them!
No, now, you must not give up! You must reach the summit!
It will be an inspiration to others like you!
YOUNG WOMAN
Okay!
(She gets up, ready to go. She takes a
step.)
FOURTH MAN
Oh, but do tarry a while. We will discuss this matter
further. I will teach you. For to get to point B from
point A it is necessary to start at point A and my dear
you must be quite sure you know where point A is.
YOUNG WOMAN
Well, it’s right here, isn’t it?
FOURTH MAN
And of course you must know where point B is, if you wish
to get there. If you wish to effectually realize your
dreams of reaching point B, you must start at point A and
you must follow the correct path to get to point B! I’m
sure you realize this.
YOUNG WOMAN
It has been neither here nor there for me.
FOURTH MAN
That’s just the problem. You’re just starting out and
frankly you don’t even know the questions you need to ask
along the way. If you wish to eventually reach the summit
of this here mountain of knowledge upon which we now
stand conversing philosophically, you must learn the way
to go. The Directions, if you will. You’ll need
directions on you’re way to the top. A map of course of
point A and point B so that you will always know where
you are in relation to those two points on the graph. You
cannot expect to simply climb blind. Very few, if any can
simply climb blind! Simply climb the mountain! Simply run
to the top. It is an immense task which takes years of
preparation. We would want you simply groping around in
the dark up there wondering where you’ll end up. It’s
much too dangerous. There are proper channels which will
prepare you for the rigors ahead. Training classes
through most of one’s adult life-
YOUNG WOMAN
Most of...
FOURTH MAN
Oh, yes, an ongoing process. You must’nt simply stand on
this side listening to the clamor over there, and never
setting your beautiful blue orbs upon it-
YOUNG WOMAN
They’re brown. My eyes are brown.
FOURTH MAN
Uh, what’s that?
YOUNG WOMAN
My eyes. They’re brown.
FOURTH MAN
Oh, yes, yes, as I was saying, the Way is often shrouded.
Cloaked so that passing is made infinitely difficult. Not
impossible mind you, just infinitely difficult! You must
prepare! You must reach the summit for the sake of your
people!
VOICE OFF
Joe! You loon! Get your ass up here!
FOURTH MAN
Oh! I must be going, see you again soon.
(He races up the stairs and out of
sight.)
YOUNG WOMAN
I just know something obvious has escaped me.
(She scratches her head, thinking.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Something has escaped me, and I don’t know what it is
(She sits at the bottom of the stair,
resting.)
(A YOUNG MAN steps out on the stage
and sees her there. He seems to take
pity on her. He watches her for a
moment. She notices him.)
YOUNG MAN
Hello.
YOUNG WOMAN
Hi.
YOUNG MAN
You look upset. Is something wrong?
YOUNG WOMAN
(sighing)
I want to climb this mountain. But, alas, I haven’t the
strength.
YOUNG MAN
Maybe you just need a rest, something to eat, that sort
of thing.
YOUNG WOMAN
Maybe you’re right.
YOUNG MAN
C’mon. I’ll treat.
(They leave the stage together. Lights
to black.)
SCENE TWO
(The YOUNG WOMAN is once again
standing before the staircase. Men are
passing around her up the stairs or
milling about below. She is buckling
and checking her pack. ANOTHER WOMAN
enters.)
ANOTHER WOMAN
Hello, dear. What on earth is that get up your wearing?
YOUNG WOMAN
I’m going to climb this here mountain.
ANOTHER WOMAN
Whatever for?
YOUNG WOMAN
I don’t know. I just want to.
ANOTHER WOMAN
(laughing)
I used to be like you, you know. Now I’m content to just
go on listening. You can learn a lot by listening. You
don’t really need to climb the mountain. Really. Listen!
(There is a low murmur of
unintelligible speech.)
YOUNG WOMAN
No, really, thanks, but I want to climb the mountain.
ANOTHER WOMAN
Why?
YOUNG WOMAN
Because, it’s something that I want to do.
ANOTHER WOMAN
Well, you are wasting your time.
YOUNG WOMAN
Why? Why am I wasting my time? What else is there to do?
ANOTHER WOMAN
You don’t have to do anything. Settle down, get married.
Do right by your man, have children.
YOUNG WOMAN
Yes, I want to do that. But right now, I want to climb
the mountain.
ANOTHER WOMAN
Well, you’ll never climb the mountain.
YOUNG WOMAN
Why not?
ANOTHER WOMAN
Because it just isn’t done. You’ll see. You are wasting
your time. There’s an avalanche every few minutes or so.
YOUNG WOMAN
Really? There haven’t been any so far.
ANOTHER WOMAN
You’ll see.
(She exits. The YOUNG WOMAN prepares
to take a step. She takes a step,
finds it somewhat easy and attempts to
take another one. HARPO returns, runs
out and grabs her foot. She turns
around to see him, but her back pack
is very large and he hides. She turns
to one side, he slides behind her pack
on the other. She attempts another
step. Suddenly, a group of men come
barreling down the stairs. They force
her back down and run off in all
directions. HARPO runs off with them.
She sits on the edge of the step,
weary. An OLD MAN enters.)
OLD MAN
Hullo, miss. What seems to be the trouble?
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh, woe is me.
OLD MAN
Can I be of service?
YOUNG WOMAN
I want to climb this here mountain, but, alas, I haven’t
the strength.
OLD MAN
Well, of course not! You’ve got a tremendous pack on your
back! Here, let me help you.
(The OLD MAN loosens the buckles on
the YOUNG WOMAN’s pack, but as he does
the pack topples him over backwards
and he lays sprawling beneath it
unable to get up.
The YOUNG WOMAN is quite unaware of
all of this. For a brief moment she is
stretching her young limbs happily.
Another man breezes in, walks by, and
notices the OLD MAN on the ground
beneath the pack. He walks back, picks
the pack up off the OLD MAN and places
it back in it’s proper place on the
back of the YOUNG WOMAN. He slaps his
hands together on a job well done and
scampers up the stairs. The YOUNG
WOMAN’s brow furrows. She is suddenly
aware of the great pressure of the
pack once again and looks at her arms
with wonder. The OLD MAN struggles to
his feet.)
OLD MAN
Uh, I’m sorry miss, it’s seems I can’t help you
YOUNG WOMAN
But...
(He leaves quickly up the stairs
regarding her suspiciously. The young
man enters.)
YOUNG MAN
Hello.
YOUNG WOMAN
(brightening)
Oh, hi.
YOUNG MAN
Any luck.
YOUNG WOMAN
Alas, no.
YOUNG MAN
Maybe I can help you.
YOUNG WOMAN
Okay.
YOUNG MAN
Let’s see.
(They begin to try everything in their
power to get her up the steps. He
tries pushing her, to no avail. With
all the gear she’s too heavy. Nothing
seems to work. They sit, exasperated
and miserable at the bottom of the
step.)
YOUNG MAN
I just don’t get it.
YOUNG WOMAN
It’s hopeless. I’m never going to get up there.
YOUNG MAN
There’s gotta be a way.
YOUNG WOMAN
Well, whatever it is-
YOUNG MAN
We’ll find it.
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh, poop.
YOUNG MAN
You need a change of attitude.
YOUNG WOMAN
Easy for you to say.
YOUNG MAN
I’m trying
YOUNG WOMAN
I know, I know, it’s just...this stuff is so heavy.
YOUNG MAN
If I could carry you, I would.
YOUNG WOMAN
Nonsense, with all this gear on, I’m much too heavy.
YOUNG MAN
I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something we’re
missing.
YOUNG WOMAN
You noticed that, too?
YOUNG MAN
We need to rest.
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah.
(Periodically, while they are talking,
HARPO MARX runs out, pulls something
out from under his trenchcoat
(sometimes a horn that he toots before
placing it, sometimes a fish or a
chicken, sometimes a flask, etc.) and
quickly adds it to the pack on her
back. Neither of them notice. The
YOUNG WOMAN swats at him as if a fly.)
YOUNG WOMAN
(fidgeting a bit)
This pack seems to be getting heavier. You think you
could loosen it a little?
YOUNG MAN
Sure.
(She stands. He looks behind her at
the buckles and makes an attempt at
loosening them.)
YOUNG MAN
You’ve done a fine job with all these buckles, I can’t
seem to loosen them.
YOUNG WOMAN
Well, I didn’t want to lose anything! There must be
something you can do. Keep trying.
YOUNG MAN
They just won’t budge. Ah, here’s one.
(He loosens it, and a very small items
falls from the pack.)
YOUNG WOMAN
That’s a little better. Keep trying.
(He jiggles everything, but nothing
falls.)
YOUNG MAN
Here, why don’t you sit down?
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah, I’d better.
(She sits rather uncomfortably on the
stairs. While they are thus, another
man enters and excuses himself. They
stand to let him pass. He picks up the
discarded item and nonchalantly,
unbeknownst to the two, replaces it on
the YOUNG WOMAN’s pack. He exists up
the stairs. They sit down again. Long
pause.)
YOUNG MAN
Well, ready to try again?
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah, okay.
(He helps her struggle to her feet and
they again begin their attempts, but
she seems much too exhausted and the
attempts fail miserably.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh, it’s no use!
(Tears come to her eyes.)
YOUNG MAN
Don’t cry! We’ll do it, you mustn’t give up. You just
need to rest is all. Maybe you need some training, or
some other gear or something.
(He holds her in his arms the best he
can for all the gear. A few moments
pass in this way and she begins to dry
her eyes. Two small items fall from
the pack.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Thanks, you’ve helped me a lot.
YOUNG MAN
C’mon, lets go home and get some rest. We’ll try again
tomorrow.
(They leave arm in arm, a parade of
various men begins again.)
SCENE THREE
(A few men are milling around the
staircase, standing on it, climbing
it, etc. Enter SECOND YOUNG WOMAN in
mountain climbing gear. As she is
preparing to climb the steps all
others leave in various directions.
Enter YOUNG WOMAN.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Where are you going? Oh, I see.
SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
I want to climb this here mountain.
YOUNG WOMAN
It’s no easy task.
SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
Have you done it.
YOUNG WOMAN
Alas, no, but I don’t believe it’s impossible.
(In comes the FOURTH MAN, who appears
quite interested in the conversation.)
FOURTH MAN
Ah, what is so engaging here?
(The YOUNG WOMAN recognizes him.)
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh, I was just explaining to this young lady that if she
wishes to climb this here mountain she is going to need a
lot more gear and a lot more training.
FOURTH MAN
(standing in front, facing the
audience)
Yes, yes, through most of the adult life!
YOUNG WOMAN
Yes.
SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
Through most of my-
YOUNG WOMAN
Shh, now, now, you listen to me. Must more gear is needed
if one expects to climb the mountain, you know.
(As she is speaking she begins to
systematically remove gear from the
SECOND YOUNG WOMAN’s pack.)
YOUNG WOMAN
If one is going to get to point B, one must know where
point B is in relation to point A and of course all other
points on the graph.
(FOURTH MAN stands downstage facing
the audience, staring into space,
nodding and saying...)
FOURTH MAN
Quite right, quite right
YOUNG WOMAN
Of course it is positively necessary to know the right
questions to ask on the way, one must be prepared after
all...
(Etc..)
(When all the gear has dropped off at
the girl’s feet, the YOUNG WOMAN
exits. FOURTH MAN continues nodding,
saying “quite right, quite right” to
himself. Now, the SECOND YOUNG WOMAN,
free of the weight or her pack,
advances to the steps. She takes the
first step, lights begin to dim, by
the time she reaches the third step,
they are out.)
CURTAIN
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